I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
