ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
