Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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