We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
