Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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