Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
