No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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