the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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