my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
