Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
