its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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