I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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