why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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