Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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