tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
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i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
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They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!