Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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