How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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