No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
