I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
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She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
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Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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