Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just invented taco cereal.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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