im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
