My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She has the best kind of daddy issues
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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