I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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