Cold hands, warm shart.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on