I seem to have left my pride at pride
it was like his penis was on wheels.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
