none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
