Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
