everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
