Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
