Fine. I'll sleep in my office
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
