You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Randomize
