now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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