walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
