I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
