I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
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Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
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I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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