I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
