Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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