Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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