I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
