It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
