you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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