I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
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I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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