cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
