Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
