The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
