Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
