I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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