I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
