I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
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she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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