Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
