I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
