I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
