I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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