she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We were destined to go to rehab together
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Randomize
