I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize