I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize