So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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