I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
