He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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